Dancing in the rain

Her blood rushes through her blood vessels at the same pace as thoughts wild in her head

A smile on the outside but deep down she thinks she’d be better off dead

Her emotions undergo an apocalypse

Exploding and fading one and the same but opposite

They say get better not bitter but we are what we possess inside

What she harbors is far from sweet… poison… slowly she dies

In the midst of a laughing spree her memory practices betrayal

Giving her vivid flashes of the trauma she’s faced in denial

Questions of “why me?” And “am I not worth much?” Left unanswered

“Maybe it was my fault” pain grows like a cancer

“I will never be enough because he took a part of me

I must look like trash… when he looked at me what did he see?”

The pain of knowing that she will never get justice

“Nobody will believe you because it was just us”

“You asked for it with that miniskirt”

“It wasn’t that bad, at least you aren’t hurt”

So she dances in the rain each time she hears it pour

For ten minutes each time, sometimes more

She dances in the rain so no one thinks she’s weak

It’s the best way to mask tears running down her cheeks

You

Thoughts creep into my head as I try to live my life without you

Avoiding the things I was told not to do

The more I try the less I succeed

The less I’m alive the more that I need

I try to avoid you but my mind is a mess

It seems I am subconsciously obsessed

You’re a demon, you’re a ghost, but you’re part of me now

I need to let you know but I struggle with how

You hide for days till I think I’m okay

Then you creep in on unexpected days

You are the dark side, you are the end

You are the enemy disguised as a friend

You’re toxic and selfish, you swaddle my fears

In the middle of the day, you bring me to tears

They say to kill what kills you inside

It’s hard to kill the things that we hide

That means I’d need to commit suicide

Because you only exist in my mind

You are

My deepest and darkest… conundrum

Didn’t know life would be like this, didn’t get the memorandum

You’re sucking my life, you’re draining my sanity

I’ll switch my focus and ignore you, mask it in vanity

Shattered innocence

Blood splatters

As dreams shatter

Between both her ears the sound

is louder than the silence around

Innocence stripped from every inch

Sensation gone with every pinch

Reality hits harder than he does

Never be the same as she was

All knowledge placed above her head 7-8 years before her peers

Being stripped naked was never one of her fears

Broken, crushed, she can’t hold the tears

The others watch and pretend they can’t hear

He pulls the back of her dress to the bottom of her knees

Tip of his tongue to the tips of her developing breasts, he likes to please

Himself with a minor who’s barely come of age

He slowly thrusts in her spirits of rage

Confused and torn, like her dress becomes her mind

The man he is, she wonders what kind

The man whose lap she should sit on for refuge

Used her body as refuse

Now 15 years later she gets nightmares

Wishing she could fall down a flight of stairs

Wishing she had died rather than survived

The man she should forgive is no longer alive

Love of the lives of those he protected

Because of him she’s always rejected

Her dad can’t stand it when she speaks

To know his father was a pedophile creep

Closed books and open legs

Taboo is the new norm and the former norm is now so obsolete
Nobody in the past could compete
With the foolishness of today’s Jim and Jack
They Jim and Jack
Every Mary and Kate
We no longer know the meaning of a real date

Because we know the angles of each other’s bodies way before we know the doors of each others minds
Not odd to find
A body count higher than one’s IQ…

Legs are open more often than books
And… Intelligence is frowned upon because looks
And your ability to move your waist in a provocative manner is now the measure of beauty
Increase your number of likes, double tap is a fan’s duty

Quite sad for a generation that claims to be way ahead of those in the past…
Technology advances but our depth deteriorates
As the years go by… We hold smart phones but carry empty skulls
Conversations don’t last as long as the 2 minutes it takes for a man to “get off”
And get lightheaded… Forget your name… And blame it on “short term memory loss”

But he will remember the shape and size of your crevice
Tell his friends so they call him “Adonis”
Oh we only remember what we want to remember!!!
Restart in December

Because… It’s festive, let’s gather more baggage because we can magically leave it as we enter the new year
Oh foolish mortals believing everything if sternly believed eventually becomes truth
Fog a fact so it’s not as clear

Well, whatever makes you sleep at night
Whatever helps you feel right
Whatever gets you applause and joy
Though often short-lived you believe it’s worth losing what really matters
You only realize when everything scatters
And the people you tried to please are nowhere in sight…
And now you are… Just a worthless vessel… No value… Wasted life…😒

Silence

Silence
A symbol of serenity
Ultimate amenity
Peace and calmness
Safe and harmless
Silence

Those are the first thoughts that come to mind
But if you look deeper there’s more to find
Silence could mean emptiness
Concealed craziness

Lack of life, lack of pleasure
Not always an attribute of leisure
It is good by human measure
But there is joy where there is treasure

Silence
Lost wishes and misplaced hope
A girl trying to cope
A man tying a rope
Around his neck so he can let go

Silence
Sometimes it speaks louder than screams
It’s more significant than it seems
It yells in it’s own way
It has a lot to say

But only if you pay attention
Many things to mention
If you fix your focus on details that don’t require verbal communication
Deeper than detecting a quiet aspiration

Silence
It speaks to those that have an ear
For sounds unclear
They detect echos and decode the source
Despite sound bouncing back and forth

Silence
Keeper of secrets, anger, shame
It’s broken when you mention its name
It’s the absence of sound but it goes beyond the ear
To hear what is being said you should be able to adhere

To things beyond just sound… Oh dear
Do you hear my broken silence?

A casual question

You asked me how I am

So I took a breath to catch some air that I haven’t had in forever
Looked around to see if I can talk about the weather
Wondered if I should tell you in black and white
That I had a panic attack last night

I’m sad and empty and lost inside
There’s a lump in my throat that goes beyond pride
Some nights I cry and wish I could die
The same nights I scratch my body in places I can hide

I shake at the thought of a knock at my door
I forgot your name because my memory is poor
I failed my classes because I can’t focus
Maybe I should distract you with hocus pocus

I cry myself to sleep and I yell myself awake
I should feel better with the meds I take
I struggle to just as much as love myself
I struggle with the fact that I’m whispering for help

Because every single aspect of my life is falling apart
But I mask it well, theater is an art
I wonder if I’ll make it through the things that I should
I either eat too much or not enough food

My body seems to have a mind of its own
Stupid statement… My mind is its own
It is rebellious, it does things without my permission
Like inhibit serotonin as part of it’s emissions

I stare in the mirror and I see the cracks
I can’t see myself, there’s more in the back
More life on the bed in the background
My thoughts are vague, my body is earthbound

The only thing that’s clear is that I am drowning
But what’s the point? What’s the point of frowning?
You really don’t care, people ask all the time
So I give you a smile and I say “I’m fine”

Friends with benefits

We started out casually flirting, nothing serious

Called him by an alias

Maybe I never knew his real name because he wasn’t honest enough to tell it to me

Or maybe I never really asked and I just “assumed” because he never yelled it to me

We talked more and more as the years passed

“What are we?” was a question I never got to ask

The more he got to know me, the less I understood him

Initially he got in through my bedroom window when my lights were dim

Told me not to tell anyone about what we had

Told me not to let anyone know when I am sad

Helped me conceal my emotions

Fed me toxic love potions

He got jealous when I started to engage in relationships

Made things awkward in my friendships

He was jealous and he wanted me to himself

He told me that he only meant well

Put his arms around my shoulders and led me to dark corners when I needed to cry

Helped me do my best so nobody could see him as destructive with each day that went by

Then he became clingy and wanted to be with me all the time

Got jealous when I had other things on my mind

If he couldn’t have me alone then nobody else could

Made it hard for me to do things I should

He was the reason I stayed in bed pressing the snooze button when I had things to do

Thought relocating would leave him behind but he followed me whenever I moved

He was a stalker and he couldn’t let me go

He would never leave me and he let me know

He began to speak to me above everyone else’s voice including my own

Told me nobody cared when I would pick up my phone

He showed me every possible negative outcome in any situation

Made me think it was for pity that I got an invitation

Looked at me in anger when I seemed to have a good time

Thought I could ignore him if i took more than one glass of wine

He embraces me when I need it the least

Gives me war when I need peace

He strips me of my joy and makes love to my innocence

Corrupting my morals, he’s a rapist, since my adolescence

He is all that I know

I want to let him go

But somehow we have gotten so comfortable with each other’s company

How can one get comfortable living with a mental anomaly?

After all these years he made a confession

He took off his mask… his name is depression